I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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