I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize