I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
They are going to name an STD after you.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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