i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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