she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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