Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
