we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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