he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
