I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
