dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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