Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
