I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
