just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
