Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
