I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
