Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
