I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
