I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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