I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
