That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
