You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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