so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
