Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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