He is such a slut. More and more my type.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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