I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
