I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
