I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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