Betty ford says i'm here all night
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
