If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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