im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
how drunk are you?
Several
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
