if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
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