im six kinds of drunk right now
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
