i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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