Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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