I'd wear matching sweaters with you
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
