her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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