Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
