just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
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