jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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