every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize