Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
that is very illegal...i love you.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
