I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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