Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
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