I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
