Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
