Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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