haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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