I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Randomize
