You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
