I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize