I feel like abortions should bother me more
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
