so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
