Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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