I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
