Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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