remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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