do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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